small baller box

No doubt you have read our other Origin Story, Short With Benefits. If you haven’t, first of all, HOW DARE YOU?! We guess we’ll wait here and tap our feet impatiently while you go read it. Hurry up now, we don’t have all day!!! Secondly, once you have gotten your sh*t together, don’t forget to come back and finish this second list of reasons why being smaller is baller:

Reason 1:
You can buy designer clothes in the children’s section for ⅓ the price, which means you get to be a style baller on a smaller budget. You legit get to tell people, “Thanks, it’s Versayce,” like when your awful coworker’s lover/boss tells you you look great, and then you steal said lover before your life quickly spirals down a Las Vegas toilet faster than a bag of cocaine. (It’ll be totally great, we swear.) You get to look stylish AF, while still having dolla billz leftover for boozy brunches, mani/pedis, LFG goodrs, and whatever frivolous stuff makes your tiny magnanimous heart sing.

Reason 2:
You are small enough to hide in a bajillion places, which means you’re obviously an undefeated hide-and-seek champion. PLUS you’re small enough to fit in a suitcase and be smuggled onto an airplane, so you’re totes saving on airfare!!! (We hope you don’t suffocate down there in that cargo hold. Also, pack snacks. You may be in there for a while. Also, do we really need to tell you to NEVER do this? This is us telling you to NEVER do this.)

Reason 3:
You can sleep on the bed in whatever orientation you want, probably even a twin-size, without your feet hanging over the edge. Take THAT, under-the-bed monsters!!! (You’re probably still f*cked when it comes to the closet monster, FYI. Don’t get cocky now.)

Reason 4:
This one is tricky, but depending on how religiously you have taken care of your skin (hello sunblock) and other incriminating factors like balding, you may still be able to get away with paying the child’s admission price at countless venues. Yes, it’s wrong, but you were given the shorter end of the stick. (See what we did there?) Carl the Flamingo would totally do this if he could get away with it, so you know it’s OK!!!

Reason 5:
You will never experience the utter sadness of having a mean old lady tell you to get out of the way and let the “cute little children through” when you ring the doorbell while trick-or-treating because you look like you’re thirty years old in the sixth grade. (We’re not sure about this, but we think it had something to do with all of that milk we were told to consume in the 90s.) That reminds us, we need to pick up some eggs and toilet paper right after we finish crying into this pint of ice cream.